For Some, Not Being in School is a Big Deal

We are on day 25 of social distancing and our kids not being in school. And there is a topic that just keeps nagging at me and tugging at my heartstrings to write about: Our kids not being able to go to school.

As parents and teachers alike made an overnight shift in their lives and daily routines, I have continued to see memes and Facebook posts saying things like: “Why are parents so worried about their kids falling a month behind?” And “just teach your kids to check their oil, balance a check book, bake bread, fold laundry, etc”. Or “homeschooling parents do this everyday, its not a big deal”. “Or they can just do other things like playing outside. “ I am pretty certain that many of these comments come from a place of good intention and that you are encouraging us as parents to not panic about our kids missing out on some academic learning for a little while. I get the sentiment that we can take this opportunity to shift our focus on teaching kids life and coping skills, as well as to just be positive about the situation. However, you are gravely missing the bigger picture. Additionally, it also feels very dismissive of the important role our teachers play in our children’s lives.

Listen people I am just going to be real candid about this: our kids not being able to go to school is a BIG DEAL. Is it the right thing to do? Yes. Absolutely. 100%. Can we do our best to make the most of this situation? Of course, we definitely should and quite frankly, we need too. This doesn’t change the fact that it is still really hard for everyone and it is especially hard for certain families.

We live in Montana and the decision that schools would be closed, effective immediately, came on a Sunday afternoon. My family and I were up at the local ski resort when my phone rang with the message. My daughters are in preschool and second grade. They LOVE school. They love everything about their schools- their teachers, their classmates, their routine and the activities they do at school. So this news was pretty hard for them and we have had a lot of conversations about the situation. It has been very heartbreaking to see how sad this has made my oldest daughter. I refuse to be dismissive of her feelings. And she will be okay. She finds joy everyday, but she is still frustrated about this situation.

Here’s the thing, it isn’t just about our kids missing out on educational opportunities and all the field trips they had planned in the Spring. They have cultivated a community and relationships within their schools. They have relationships with their teachers and things they want to share with them. They have sweet little friendships with their classmates. This feels like a second home to them. They had planned in their little minds and hearts that they would be with these people until June. And that came to an end with no warning or preparation. This is hard for them. Think about how you, as an adult would handle news like this. Or maybe had to handle news like this due to this pandemic. This is a lot even for a stable, functioning adult. Now, imagine you are 4, 6, 8, 10 and trying to comprehend this. Or a senior reveling in all the glory that is being a senior and excitement finishing the year with all of your friends and teachers, only to have it just come to an end like this.

It is no secret that children thrive in a stable, consistent world. Right now, they are learning to deal with this very big change to their routine and how they will be educated. It is temporary, yes, but for young children, children with special needs or children in crisis “temporary” is quite an abstract term. Furthermore, they are learning to deal with a world crisis and so are their parents. Let me say that again: So are their parents. For that matter, so are their grandparents. So are their teachers. Additionally, they have had to cancel events, swim lessons, sports, dance, trips to see grandparents and many other things they hold dear to them or that they may have worked very hard for. This is hard.

This is particularly hard for children with special needs. Children with special needs not only thrive but require routines and consistency. It is absolutely imperative to their well being and educational development. I can only imagine the turmoil this has caused in their little developing minds. This situation has more than likely been very difficult for their parents as well as their teachers who are trying to come up with effective, (last minute) online lesson plans. My cousin teaches preschoolers with special needs and she has been working hard to find ways to connect with her kids and their families as well ease the impact of the situation. And mentally deal with the situation herself. Unless you have created a curriculum and lesson plan before, you have no idea what goes into developing them. (Honestly, can we just take a moment and praise these amazing teachers who just switched gears and rose to this challenge? )

This situation is especially daunting for parents of children with special needs who often require expensive therapy and assistance, not to mention extra attention and care. Many of their parents work full-time simply to cover these extra expenses or obtain health insurance that helps them cover it. Telling their parents to teach their kids to check their oil is not only irrelevant, but quite dismissive and misses the mark by, well, a lot.

For the LOVE, please don’t compare this new and sudden homeschooling situation to parents who homeschool full time. I will start this with: IT IS NOT THE SAME. It isn’t. I know lots of parents who homeschool and there are a myriad of differences here. First, parents who are homeschooling as a choice PLAN their year out. Much like our kids’ teachers are planning their school year curriculum out, most homeschooling parents find a curriculum, purchase books, resources and even sign up for online classes. A lot of them belong to homeschooling groups and participate in extracurricular activities. They go on field trips. Some even belong to a homeschool co-op where they meet regularly and learn different things. But the biggest difference here that you may have spotted is: They planned this. They were prepared. They know exactly what their kids are doing in their lessons and how it is being taught. Do you know what it is like to sit down with your second grader who is doing well in math and try to NOT confuse her as you learn how she has been taught? As you quickly google videos of: teaching common core second grade math and then try to apply it all on 3 hours of sleep? Give it a go. Let me know how it turns out for you.

I would also like to point out one other major difference here. Kids who are homeschooling usually are doing it with parents who have already created a lifestyle that allows for this situation. Their parents weren’t typically thrust into this situation overnight while simultaneously trying to figure out working full time from home or an essential worker who is still going to work all day. Their parents didn’t start homeschooling while also learning to deal with a pandemic and social distancing (remember this is new to us), possibly now without a job and stressed about finances, possibly worried about an immune compromised body or a child with an immune compromised body, and a whole other list of things going on. This is a lot. It is going to take some time to figure out.

Last and probably most importantly, the hard truth is that some children are in crisis situations where home isn’t a comfortable and happy place for them. Some are “children in transition” meaning they don’t have a stable or proper home. Summer break isn’t something these kids look forward to when the world isn’t cancelled, so this situation is quite dire for them. They will not only fall behind in education but they could be physically and emotionally harmed with no one there to love on them and intervene on their behalf. Food shortages lead to physical and mental developmental delays. I cannot express this enough that this situation might be detrimental to these children. Their teachers are particularly worried about them. And rightfully so. I am worried about these kids and I don’t know them. We all know these kids aren’t being taught anything, certainly not how to check their oil and balance a checkbook. So for their sake, offer some grace and understanding.

Will our children come out of this crisis better and more resilient people? I am sure they will. But here’s the thing: Our children aren’t going to develop healthy resiliency skills if we don’t acknowledge how this is affecting them. You want to talk to me about teaching life skills? Here’s a perfect opportunity. As parents we need to allow ourselves the grace to acknowledge how this is affecting us. By acknowledging our feelings about all of this, we are not simply just being negative. We are merely acknowledging the loss and sudden change in our lives. We place tremendous value on our schools and our teachers-and when valuable things are lost, we grieve. This is normal. This is okay. We can still recognize this and find a way to seek out the good. We can still try to find the silver linings. We can do both.

That being said, we should be mindful that for some, finding silver linings may be incredibly difficult. We should be there for them and let them know we hear them. Now is a time to be kind and supportive to one another. We need to encourage each other and help each other by listening. . And even though many American families are in better situations to handle this crisis than millions of families around the world, I still believe we can each grieve our personal world changes. We can do this while simultaneously acknowledging that this is harder for others. It doesn’t have to be just one or the other.

And for the record, I could probably teach my eight year old how to check the car oil, but it isn’t going to make a difference for about 7 more years. And I could do this whether or not she is going to school five days a week and without a pandemic going on. Just sayin’.